I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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