True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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