Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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