Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Randomize
