Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize
