tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
When are your genitals available?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
