my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
