Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
