Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
