those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
there's paper in my vomit.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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