My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize