Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
