i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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