Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
