I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
