Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
