if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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