It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize