If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Every concussion has its silver lining
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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