I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
