he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
