She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Randomize
