the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Randomize
