Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
