I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
