blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
