There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
