I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
