My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
