is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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