at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize