I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize