We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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