how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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