God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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