you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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