i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize