hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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