My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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