My cat gives me a boner
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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