the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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