Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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