You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
