Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I have post one night stand depression
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
