We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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