Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
