She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
