i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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