Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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