I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
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