woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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