You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
