My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
