she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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